M-E-A C-U-L-P-A

is alll i can think about.

My mind is in such a state of chaos.

Im never going to know am I?

And yet again I must pursue the sweet taste of distractions.  I cannot escape this aftermath.  So many different ways to feel the same thing.  Can you imagine it?  Ive wandered for hours to arrive in exactly the same place.  I keep dreaming of sunlight.

Dont leave me here.

Sometimes the distance between me and the rest of the world is so wide that I just have to take the plunge and hope for something new.  I crave the fufillment of feeling different than I have felt, and I relish the idea of change.  I cannot be satisfied by the taste of sugar cubes.  They only make me wonder if I should have never tasted sugar at all.  In all the sweetness, the aftertaste is bitter and completely meaningless.  The sustenance is gone, depleted in savory desperation  In retrospect the entire notion of sugar is entirely far too sickening to ever have the promise of beauty.

I can only hope from here that I can see in parallels.  To embrace vision of light and dark without sacrificing one to understand the other.  Ive been pulled apart in too many directions and Ive neglected the core of my intentions and ambition.  I lost my determination to the mailman, who delivered a new girl to fill this ragged skin.  Here she still lurks, containing me in her apathy.  I have no control, I am just a puppet pulled on authoritative strings.  I jump through hoops to please a stadium void of an audience.  Its all spiraling into an unfilling madness.  I peer out through her eyes with the intention to change the world, but am stuffed into a sedentary silence.

Please come find me, because she tastes like sugarcubes...but Im the one melting away.

in case you want to know how eccentric my family is

www.pamelaberthold.com

that is my aunts website.  Notice how its all about how shes is a professional blah blah blah and she wrote the "acclaimed whatever".  Basically she is FAKE!!!!

This is my cousin Hannah.  She is majorly into Peta.

This is my cousin Mike his gf Hayes, and my cousin Julia and her husband Chris

Mike made my day when he pulled down his lip and the words "fuck off" were tattooed on the inside.  But they are cool and fun to hang with.

And my grandpa is a free mason???

Lets see.   How is Mandy doing.

I think I was molested by a lesbian with a foot fetish....I wish I was kidding.

I befriended a racist man who was half octopus.  At least I think he is part octopus.  He had a very octopus shaped head....and there is NO way that he had that much hair, and it was covered by this weird head wrap thing probably because he doesnt want other people to know that he is an octopus.  It would be like the elephant man part two.

And then there was the one armed transvestite today.  Im not sure that she was actually a transvestite, but that was my conclusion after noticing her sideburns, mustache, and immense amounts of back hair. 

My cousin Mike must be on bad terms with Satan.  The cruise ship lost his luggage...so he has nothing.  Someone stole one of the only two shirts he had along with the money in his wallet.  And he keeps missing meals because I think he is narcoleptic.  There is no way anyone can fall asleep in a hot tub for three hours and completely miss dinner after not eating anything all day. 

Yesterday my entire body was exfoliated.